An Open Letter to Christine Leinonen

An Open Letter to Christine Leinonen

   As I sat in my living room watching your tearful pleas for help in finding your beautiful son, Christopher, I wanted to reach though the TV screen, wrap my arms around you and comfort you.  I prayed that Christopher would be found alive and my heart broke for you when I learned that was not the case.

   Christine, I write this as one grieving mother to another. My son died 21 months ago and I won't say that I completely understand and feel the same pain that you are feeling because of the different circumstances surrounding their deaths, but I do know the grief of losing an adult child.

   I don't know your and Christopher's story but I sense that you are a mother who loves her child more than anything and you would gladly have exchanged your life for Christopher's.  I wish I could have gotten in my son's hospital bed and died so that he could live.  I begged God to take me instead, but it wasn't meant to be.  Our sons were beautiful and had so much life left and so much to contribute to society.

   I saw you tell Lester Holt that if you had known that Christopher was lying on the floor in that club you would have gone in and carried him out on your back.  Christine, I would have gone in there with you and helped you carry him out.

   As you begin your journey as a "sister in lost" I hope you can find comfort.  Please do not let bitterness overtake you.  Try to find a way to do good works in Christopher's name, so that it will never be forgotten. 

   I hope you know that this is written out of love and compassion and I pray for strength, comfort, and healing for you.

With deepest love and compassion.

Shelley Ledbetter

The Empty Chair in My Classroom

  

On Tuesday our little school suffered a tragic loss.  A seventh grade boy named Jesse lost his life, along with his dad and step-mom, in a house fire.  No matter how many times, and there have been many, that I have lost a student I have a hard time dealing emotionally with the loss.  I am a “kid lover” and I get very attached to the students.  I learn their moods.  They tell me about their lives and their dreams and I want the best for them.  I pray for them every day on my way to school.  On Tuesday morning I had prayed the same prayer I always pray.  “God, please keep them safe and in your care and guide them as they make life choices.”  As I came down Bulldog Drive I saw many red and blue lights and cars were parked all over the street.  I saw the hulk of a burned out mobile home and my heart jumped into my throat.  Many of our students live in the mobile home park across the street from the school.  My hands were shaking as I unlocked the door to the junior high.  I asked our custodian what was happening but he didn’t know.  It wasn’t long until our principal buzzed me on the intercom and said there was going to be a meeting of the junior high teachers in my room.  I knew it was bad – I just didn’t know which child.  We were told and we took it hard.  Jesse was such a good boy and a bright spot in our day. 

   I went on autopilot.  That’s what I do when tragedy hits. I make a plan. I make lists and I get into that robot like zone.  Many of the kids went home.  The ones who stayed were stoic. It was a mood that I cannot describe.  You see, this was our second loss in a year and a half. Last year in a tragic car accident we lost a seventh grader. We had been down this road before and we didn’t want to go down it again.

   We tried to keep the students on a normal routine for the rest of the week. Keep them busy.  Keep their minds off of it.  But that is hard when there’s an empty chair in the classroom.

      I teach science so I have tables and chairs in my classroom rather than desks.  We are a small school so there are typically two students per table.  I’m not one to re-do seating charts.  Most years the students stay in the same spot all year.  We do a lot of science labs and activities so the students are up and moving around a lot so changing seats isn’t really necessary. The kids are ok with that.

   But now I have this empty chair.  What do I do? I have never felt right about asking another student to sit in the chair of a student that we’ve lost.  If I move the remaining student, the empty table and chairs becomes the elephant in the room.  It is so hard. 

   My students keep science binders in my room.  I have a wall of crates zip tied together and each period has their stack of crates. I had removed Jesse’s binder Tuesday so the kids wouldn’t see it and get upset.  I had forgotten about their pencil boxes on the book case in my room.  During Jesse’s class period I waited until all the pencil boxes were off the shelf and went to get the lone box.  I thought the kids didn’t see me – but they did.  They asked me where his binder was and what I was going to do with his things.  I told them that I didn’t know – because I don’t. 

   I have fish bowls on my desk for each class period.  In the fish bowls are laminated fish with the student’s names written on them.  When I am asking questions or assigning groups for cooperative learning I draw from the fish bowls.  On Thursday I was assigning groups and I pulled out Jesse’s name.  The kids saw it – they always watch to see whose name is being drawn.  I gently laid the fish down on my desk and drew another name.  I put Jesse’s fish in an envelope later with the fish that belong to Alli, the student we lost last year. 

   We had a memorial last night at school and I hope that on Monday we can find a way to move forward – even if it’s baby steps.  Testing begins so being out of the routine may help.  But there’s still that empty chair….

The Clipboard

   Following the death of anyone there are many details that have to be taken care of, such as, hospital and funeral associated items.  In the case of my 38 year-old son Ryan, who had no spouse or children, the responsibility of taking care of his home, business, and personal dealings fell to me. I was in such a state of shock and grief that I was in no way prepared to handle all of this.  In my "normal" life I am a very organized person.  It is the joke at my school that I stack, sort, color code, number and label everything.  I knew that I had to find a way to organize what had to be done so in my "fractured" state of mind I grabbed an old clipboard and starting putting the bills and "to do's" on it.  I would put the most pressing on top and work my way down.  I could only bear to complete one item per day.  Believe me, having to call and cancel your child's driver's license and social security card is not something any parent wants to do.

   Initially the clipboard was so full that I could barely get everything under the clip but as a few weeks then months passed, the stack got smaller.  One of my colleagues asked me how I was going to feel when the clipboard was empty.  That thought created an entirely new round of anxiety!  I realized that I never wanted the clipboard to be empty.  I need things on that clipboard !   I needed things on that clipboard that were positive and would create a lasting legacy for Ryan.

   When Ryan passed away people were so generous. I kept the donated money and began the Ryan Rorie Memorial scholarship.  There were decisions to make about how much, how and who we would award the scholarship to.  The clipboard became full once again until late that first spring when we awarded the first $1000 scholarship.   Panic struck again as the amount of papers on the clipboard dwindled.

   Then Lily's book, "A Fox in the Clouds" was born.  My granddaughter, Lily, is a budding artist and she had struggled with losing her Uncle Ryan.  As part of her grief therapy at school she had used her art to convey her feelings of grief and loss.  At the end of the school year she brought home a manila folder labeled, "my Uncle and me."  It was filled with her drawings of the family's reaction to loss.  We decided that it would be good for Lily and her brothers to put together a book of her artwork.  I headed to my daughter's home in Texas and set about finding out how to self publish books.   My clipboard was filled to capacity once again and I felt a sense of purpose.  We began to market the books with the proceeds going to the Ryan Rorie Memorial scholarship fund.

   Lily's book was followed by Ryan's biography, "My Heart's on the Other Side.  My daughter, Misty, and I worked for months  putting together Ryan's story.  The clipboard bulged with papers once again - notes, pictures, rough drafts, edits, copyright and ISBN number paperwork.    But as before, once the book was printed and our sales program was set up - there wasn't much left on the clipboard.  I was overcome once again with anxiety.

   Ryan was all about art - all kinds of art.  He was an actor, musician, photographer, he painted and sculpted.  He believed that everyone needed some form of self expression in their life.  Creating the Ryan Rorie Foundation, a non-profit charity, came next.   It came out of a memory that I had of a visit to LA a few years back.  While there, Ryan had pointed out to me, a center where youth and young adults could go to participate in art programs. He said that it was for at risk youth and it ran on donated funds.  Ryan was concerned about the number of youth living on the streets in LA and the suicide rate among these youth.  He felt that if these kids could learn an art form it might change their lives.  Pulling on that memory I began to research how to start a non-profit and all that it entails.  This has been one of the most difficult challenges that I have faced.  I have learned that it is not for the weak!  I have typed hundreds of papers to apply for incorporation, to receive 501(c)3 tax exempt status from the IRS, by-laws, indemnity clauses and so on.  My clipboard overflowed.  But as all tasks were completed the clipboard was getting empty.  BUT - our first major fundraiser had to be decided upon and carried out.  In my wildest dreams I never expected that our fundraiser would be so elaborate.  In all honesty, I was thinking of some small sale of some type of item;  making a few hundred dollars.  Not so. Ryan's friends form California do things on a much grander scale.  The Killer Cause event evolved.  Let me clarify something. Ryan's company and his stage name was Killer.  Not because of a murder but because he had met a young woman at an event a few years back whose nickname was Killer.  She was very quiet, seldom said a word, but when she did speak, it was something profound.  For this reason, her friends called her Killer.  Ryan was fascinated with her, hence naming his company Killer.  When throwing around names for our event Ryan's friend and our board member, Christel, came up with Killer Cause.  It was perfect.   We began planning the event and it has grown and grown.  What I once thought would be a   few hundred dollars fundraiser has turned into a few thousand dollars.  We even hired an advertising agency to promote our event!  We have a complete show lined up - a show that Ryan would have wanted to be a part of - and a silent auction that is filled with amazing items.  The people of Los Angeles, Hollywood and West Hollywood have been so generous.  My clipboard won't even fasten now.  It is filled with bid sheets for the auction.  Once the event is over we will be accepting requests from art centers for funding from the Ryan Rorie Foundation.  More items for the clipboard. 

   We have decided that we will make Killer Cause a yearly event.   In addition to this event, we will be hosting a fundraiser in Texas, as well as, a banquet and participation in Texas Giving Day.  My clipboard should be very filled with paperwork for the rest of my time here on Earth.  I will then pass the clipboard on to my daughter, Misty.  That clipboard represents to me Ryan's legacy and it's important to me that it continue on.

  

  

  

"No one has ever become poor by giving."

"No one has ever become poor by giving."

Anne Frank

Diary of Anne Frank

  It has been 15 months since we lost Ryan.  The pain is still great but we press onward with our commitment  of helping others achieve their goals and dreams through the Ryan Rorie Foundation.  Starting a non-profit foundation is not for the weak or faint of heart.  I knew  absolutely nothing about non-profits when I came up with this dream.  I had no idea how many hours, how much frustration, and how many setbacks it would involve.  All I knew was that I wanted to do something that would benefit others in Ryan's name.  I wanted his name to live on and I didn't care how hard it was going to be to make it happen.  I ordered books from Amazon and read online articles.  Non-profit Kit

for Dummies has been my constant companion and it now looks like a well worn dictionary.  I have humbled myself to call and e-mail people to ask questions, which I am sure they later laughed about.

    We had trouble setting up a board of directors.   At first we would hear, "Oh yes.  I want to be on the board.  I want to help you."  But when it got down to the "nitty gritty,"  suddenly they were just too busy.    We now have an excellent board of directors.  We all work many hours per week - unpaid.  We are all professionals - we all have high stress jobs.  Two of our board members have school aged children at home - but we still devote time to the foundation. We hold board of directors meetings via Skype.  We are spread out over 5 states and 2 time zones.  We e-mail - e-mail - and send more e-mails.  

   The first stages involved writing a mission statement, a purpose, writing by-laws, articles of incorporation, conflict of interest policy, creating a budget, and much more.  Then there was the question of where the initial start up funds come from.  I soon realized that I was "in over my head."

  Enter - Chris S.  I am a happy "Googler" and I found Chris's website.  His job is to help individuals and groups set up non-profits.  I hired Chris to help me with the legal paperwork for the IRS.  I had never heard the term 501(c)(3) until a year ago.  Now it rolls off my tongue easily.  This is the status granted by the IRS that allows individuals to make donations to a non-profit that gives the donor a tax write-off.  I was so dumb about this.  I thought, "OK. I can download the forms and fill them out.  Wrong!  The Form 1023 is 31 pages long and the descriptive attachment that goes with it is 15 pages long.  There are questions that I have no idea how to answer.   If you submit this to the IRS with errors, your status will be denied until they are corrected and that could set you back months.  Chris's fee is not cheap and the fee to the IRS is $850 so you need start up funds if you want to found a non-profit    Chris has been kind and patient with me.  Yes, I know he is being paid, but he could still be gruff and he isn't.  We conduct weekly two hour long (yes two hours) phone calls.  He goes over every document word by word and makes sure there are no errors.  It's tiresome work but it will soon be complete.

   We have scheduled our first fundraiser for March 12, 2016 in Los Angeles.  Two of our board members are graphic artists and they have taken the helm on this.  Our board member, Nicole, lives in LA and has put together, what will be, an awesome show.  Board member, Christel, is working with our advertising agent to promote the show.  I cannot say enough good things about these young women.  Both of these women loved Ryan and he loved them.  Christel and Ryan were friends form toddlers on.  Ryan met Nicole in California.  I refer to Nicole as " Ryan's Nicole."  She's the daughter-in-law that I never got to have, but in my heart, she is.

   Through planning this event we needed an advertising agent.  Nicole secured a deal, greatly discounted, since we are a non-profit.  Brad, the young man that runs the advertising company, has also been very kind to me.  Last night we were e-mailing back and forth, getting the necessary paperwork done and I said to him, "I am sorry that I don't know these things.  I am having to learn as I go."   He replied that he would carefully walk me through the paperwork and make sure I understood what I was signing.  He also told me that he is a former Special Ed teacher and has a soft spot for teachers.

   It's funny how you go through life and don't really know much about some of the people you encounter.  Misty and I have been amazed at how many people that we have dealt with in other areas of our life and careers and didn't know that they were involved with non-profits until recently.  We have gotten great tips and information from many of these people.  

   Many people have asked me why I am pursuing this.   When I lost Ryan, at first, I didn't want to go on living but I realized that I have another child and grandchildren who I love just as much.  I need them and they need me.   But -  I needed something that would allow Ryan's legacy of loving the creative arts to live on.  I have had people tell me that I should take the money I'm spending on the foundation and  treat myself to a dream vacation or buy something for myself.  That's just not me.  I wanted to create something for Ryan that will live on.  Kids that benefit from the foundation may never know who Ryan was or what he did and that's OK.  It is about Ryan's love of the arts and his desire that all kids get to express themselves creatively. 

   I would be remiss if I didn't address one last item.  I see a lot of shares on social media about non-profits and how the money doesn't go to the actual cause.  I can only speak for our foundation.  Our board of directors are unpaid - we work FREE.  At this juncture, we are paying for our own traveling expenses and so on.  A non-profit cannot give 100 percent of the donations.  We have to pay our bills.  There are attorney fees, accountant fees, advertising fees, TAXES (both federal and franchise).  We are a corporation and fall under the same tax laws as any business where you shop.  We will donate what is left after the bills are paid.  Not to sound harsh - this is just the reality of it.

  Becoming the founder of a non-profit has really been an eye opener.  I now shop for gifts from non-profits.  I couldn't complete my entire holiday shopping this way, but many of my gifts came from non-profits and I plan to continue to support them.

   I wish all of you a Happy Holiday and as you celebrate with your loved ones, please be reminded that there are so many out there in need.   Give what you can and do so with a giving heart.

Shelley

Ryan Rorie Foundation