The Empty Chair in My Classroom

  

On Tuesday our little school suffered a tragic loss.  A seventh grade boy named Jesse lost his life, along with his dad and step-mom, in a house fire.  No matter how many times, and there have been many, that I have lost a student I have a hard time dealing emotionally with the loss.  I am a “kid lover” and I get very attached to the students.  I learn their moods.  They tell me about their lives and their dreams and I want the best for them.  I pray for them every day on my way to school.  On Tuesday morning I had prayed the same prayer I always pray.  “God, please keep them safe and in your care and guide them as they make life choices.”  As I came down Bulldog Drive I saw many red and blue lights and cars were parked all over the street.  I saw the hulk of a burned out mobile home and my heart jumped into my throat.  Many of our students live in the mobile home park across the street from the school.  My hands were shaking as I unlocked the door to the junior high.  I asked our custodian what was happening but he didn’t know.  It wasn’t long until our principal buzzed me on the intercom and said there was going to be a meeting of the junior high teachers in my room.  I knew it was bad – I just didn’t know which child.  We were told and we took it hard.  Jesse was such a good boy and a bright spot in our day. 

   I went on autopilot.  That’s what I do when tragedy hits. I make a plan. I make lists and I get into that robot like zone.  Many of the kids went home.  The ones who stayed were stoic. It was a mood that I cannot describe.  You see, this was our second loss in a year and a half. Last year in a tragic car accident we lost a seventh grader. We had been down this road before and we didn’t want to go down it again.

   We tried to keep the students on a normal routine for the rest of the week. Keep them busy.  Keep their minds off of it.  But that is hard when there’s an empty chair in the classroom.

      I teach science so I have tables and chairs in my classroom rather than desks.  We are a small school so there are typically two students per table.  I’m not one to re-do seating charts.  Most years the students stay in the same spot all year.  We do a lot of science labs and activities so the students are up and moving around a lot so changing seats isn’t really necessary. The kids are ok with that.

   But now I have this empty chair.  What do I do? I have never felt right about asking another student to sit in the chair of a student that we’ve lost.  If I move the remaining student, the empty table and chairs becomes the elephant in the room.  It is so hard. 

   My students keep science binders in my room.  I have a wall of crates zip tied together and each period has their stack of crates. I had removed Jesse’s binder Tuesday so the kids wouldn’t see it and get upset.  I had forgotten about their pencil boxes on the book case in my room.  During Jesse’s class period I waited until all the pencil boxes were off the shelf and went to get the lone box.  I thought the kids didn’t see me – but they did.  They asked me where his binder was and what I was going to do with his things.  I told them that I didn’t know – because I don’t. 

   I have fish bowls on my desk for each class period.  In the fish bowls are laminated fish with the student’s names written on them.  When I am asking questions or assigning groups for cooperative learning I draw from the fish bowls.  On Thursday I was assigning groups and I pulled out Jesse’s name.  The kids saw it – they always watch to see whose name is being drawn.  I gently laid the fish down on my desk and drew another name.  I put Jesse’s fish in an envelope later with the fish that belong to Alli, the student we lost last year. 

   We had a memorial last night at school and I hope that on Monday we can find a way to move forward – even if it’s baby steps.  Testing begins so being out of the routine may help.  But there’s still that empty chair….