Victimized By A Stalker

   This is a story that I have never shared.  There are only a handful of people that know it.  I don't know why but I have been embarrassed about it - I felt that I had caused it to happen.  That's a typical victim statement and I know better.  I have been the victim of a stalker.   The reason that I am talking about this now, 30 years later, is because I was recently stalked again - this time on social media.

   I had never set my Instagram to private.  I only share food and knitting pics so it never occurred to me to do so.   A lot of people follow me and most have shared interests. Earlier this week I noticed an excessive amount of likes and that a man had begun following me that seemingly had no shared interests.  He went back years hitting like on my pics.  That sent up a red flag THEN I got a private message from him.  Nothing threatening but it said "Good evening."  Why would he do that?  I panicked and texted my daughter, who advised me on how to set my profile to private and block this person.  I did this but it brought back memories of a stalker from back in the 80's that I had tried to put out of my thoughts.

   It all began with a phone call at my work.  This breathy male voice told me that he had never done anything like this before but he couldn't help himself.  He told me that he had seen me at the ball park and was attracted to me.  He said that he hadn't known my name or anything about me but he said that he had asked around and gotten my name and information about where I worked.  Back then we all had landlines and unless you had an unlisted phone number anyone could call you.  This was also before the days of caller ID. 

   This began a two year harrowing ordeal.  He would call my work and my home.  He never threatened but would tell me that he was obsessed with me and eventually told me that he loved me.  I know that he watched me because he would tell me where he had seen me, what I was wearing, describe who I was with.  It was terrifying.  One of the scariest moments was when he told me about seeing my kids and me in a grocery store in a town 15 miles away.  This prompted me to go to our local sheriff's office to see what could be done.  Since he hadn't made threats of any sort they just deemed it as harassment and basically told me he would eventually quit.  They said it was probably someone I knew playing pranks.  It continued for months.  I missed work one day due to illness.  My phone rang and it was him.  He said, "Why are you not at work today?"  I asked him how he knew that, thinking he had called my work.  He said, "I just drove by your house and your car is under the carport."  As sick as I was that day I called the sheriff's office and ask them to send an officer to my house.  At this point they took me seriously.  They ordered the phone company to put a "tracer" on my line.  They told me that I would have to keep him on the line for several minutes.  It took a few more phone calls but they finally were able to trace the number.  It went to an auto mechanic garage in a neighboring town.  A deputy made a visit to the garage but there were several employees and none admitted to the phone call.  But...this ended the calls.  I still lived in fear that something would happen and shortly afterwards I sold my house and moved away. 

I got these stats from Safe Horizon:  

 Nationally, 7.5 million people are stalked every year.

Approximately 1 in 6 women and 1 in 19 men have experienced stalking at some point in their lifetime.

   Stalking can happen to anyone.  I encourage anyone who is a victim of stalking to reach out for help.  Don't allow anyone to tell you that it's just a prank or it's not serious.  There is no "typical" victim and you did nothing to provoke it.  If I could go back to that time I would have pressed harder and told more people.  Maybe it would not have gone on for two years.  
 

I got his information from End Stalking In America, Inc.

The following list of the most common mistakes that stalking victims make has been taken from Understanding and Surviving America's Stalking Epidemic, a ground breaking special report by Linden Gross that teaches you how to avoid those life-threatening errors that too many other victims have made.

Not listening to your intuition.

You need to keep your internal radar tuned to pick up signals that something might be wrong.

Letting someone down easy, instead of saying a defintive NO if you're not interested in the relationship.

Trying to be nice can lead a potentially obsessive suitor to hear what he or she wants instead of the message that you're not interested.

Ignoring the early warning signs

that annoying attention might escalate into dangerous harassment and pursuit.

Responding to a stalker in any way, shape, or form.

This means not acceding to your stalkers demands even once he or she has introduced threats.

Trying to reason or bargain with a stalker.

Stalking is like a long rape.  Your natural reactions almost automatically put you at a disadvantage.

Seeking a restraining or protective order.

All too often, this one act propels stalkers to act violently.   Still tempted to get that piece of paper?

Expecting police to solve your problem and make it go away.

Even the Los Angeles Police Department's Threat Management Unit says that victims have to take 100% responsibility for their dealing with the situation.

Taking inadequate privacy and safety precautions.

Neglecting to enlist the support of family, friends, neighbors, co-workers, therapists and other victims.

It may be tough to admit that you're being stalked, but it's not your fault.

Ignoring emotional needs during and after a stalking.

Please take it seriously.  Your life could depend on it.