Healing

   I went to the cemetery by myself for the first time today.  I needed some time for quiet reflection.  There are so many things on that clipboard that still need to be done and I hope that I am doing what Ryan would want.  I went down to my Granny's old house on the farm for awhile.  It has become our family's storage facility and I hate to admit it, but most of it is my kids and my stuff.  I have been methodically going through all the boxes of Ryan's things and putting them in hard plastic storage tubs.  He was a packrat.  He would say, "Mom, don't throw this stuff away, OK?"  So I didn't and now I am glad for that.  I found report cards, ACT scores, SAT scores, pictures, cards, letters, notes, check stubs and on and on.  If any of his childhood friends wanted to have their own production of "Middle School Diaries," I have the material.  I haven't read all of the notes but I couldn't help but scan a few.  There's a lot of teenage angst and silliness in them.  I found a pair of battered drum sticks and his band folder, a few paintings, the manuscript from MASH and You Can't Take it With You, scholarship essays, and college letters.  As I have time I will read and look over all of these things.

Items from Ryan's boxes; battered drum sticks, pic of Ryan and Eva, pencil drawing of Lissa, and a painting.

   As I was looking through his school work, I remembered an incident that happened a couple of years ago.  Ryan called to tell me about a young father who was on the city bus with him late one afternoon.  He said that the father was Skyping with his young son and daughter.  The man told his children that he would be home in time to have dinner with them.  He asked if they had their homework done and told them that he would go over their homework after dinner.  This made a big impact on Ryan and he later posted about it on Facebook saying; "It matters to kids, it really matters."  Ryan didn't have much of a relationship with his dad growing up and none at all after he moved to Los Angeles, so this young dad's caring behavior really touched his heart.

   Ryan lived life in the fast lane and he could "chew you up and spit you out," but he also had a softer, gentler side.  He cared about the hungry and homeless, especially the youth.  This is why Misty and I have chosen to start the Ryan Rorie Foundation.  It is our goal to help continue to support the homeless youth shelter and center in Los Angeles.  With the generous help of Ryan's friends, colleagues, and fans we have been able to donate several hundred dollars already.  We also have aspirations of opening new shelters and art centers in other areas for at risk youth.  We would like to ensure that all homeless and at risk youth have a safe haven and an art center, with which to express themselves through the arts.  Within the next month we will be choosing the first recipient of the Ryan Rorie Memorial Scholarship.  It will go to a student who plans to major in the visual or performing arts.  I have a website that I started but realized that I didn't have the skill set to finish.  I have turned it over to a former student, now a college professor, and he his completing it for me.

   Misty and I can't get back what we would most like to have, but what we can do, is give to others.  Through giving, we can heal.  Losing Ryan has changed our perspectives on just about everything.  Things that used to seem so important now seem trivial.  I am planning to take early retirement so that I can build and run the Ryan Rorie Foundation.  Misty is an esthetician and makeup artist and she has made the choice to begin volunteering for the American Cancer Society's "Look Good...Feel Better" program.  She is also looking into volunteering at the homeless/battered women's shelter helping the women look their best when they go on job interviews.

    I recently read this quote in a book about slavery:  "When you be givin' you ain't got time to think 'bout what you ain't got.  But you got to give with your heart.  You got to give from your heart."  Sarah, a slave from Virginia

   If this woman, who lived through the bleakest time in our country's history, having her husband and children sold away from her, could still have it in her heart to give, I can do it too.  I will do it for all the kids out there who need someone to care.  They would all have loved and been inspired by Ryan if they could have gotten to know him.