Three Months

Another month has come and gone. Three months since Ryan left us. Thanksgiving was our first holiday without him.  It was easier than Christmas will be.  Ryan hadn’t been with me on Thanksgiving in many years.  Living so far away, he couldn’t make the trip here or to Misty’s home very often.  In fact, I had not even spent Thanksgiving with Misty’s family in 6 years.  Jason’s family celebrates their Thanksgiving and Christmas together on the weekend following Thanksgiving so the kids usually spend Thanksgiving at home in Texas, then travel to East End, AR the next day for his family’s celebration.

Ryan and I would always Skype or Facetime on Thanksgiving. He would tell me with whom and how he was going to celebrate and I would share what our plans were.  I missed that time with him this year. Having Misty and the grandkids here made it a lot easier. 

We invited my family here for a hayride and fun activities for all the little ones.  I think it was the first time that my Mom had all her great-grandkids together in one place.  Watching the little ones have fun brought me joy.

The day after Thanksgiving (Black Friday has a whole different meaning for me now), Misty and I went out to the Ott cemetery.  She hadn’t been there since Ryan’s funeral and hadn’t seen his grave, since it wasn’t filled in when she left the service.  I had ordered a concrete fox and turtle to place at his grave.  Ryan loved foxes and he had a fox tattoo on his forearm.  For many years he also had a turtle named Greta.  We placed them on his grave and I watched with such sorrow as my  beautiful, 34 year-old daughter lay down on his grave and sobbed.  I had to walk away for a while.  I saw her take a stick and write “I love you” in the dirt on his grave.  Our pain is still so great and our emotions so raw.

Things get easier in some respects and worse in others.  I no longer enjoy getting the mail or e-mail.  I got a letter from the student loan foundation informing me that I was responsible for the balance of Ryan’s student loans because I had co-signed for them. I have been paying them for 16 years and have 4 years left. His social security number had been flagged and they wanted to make sure I knew that the debt is still owed.  Thank you Guaranteed Student Loan Foundation.  I also got an e-mail from Arkansas Governor’s School, which Ryan attended and I have also taught at AGS, wanting Ryan’s address.  They are putting together a “Where are they now” book.  I sobbed and sobbed. I still haven’t answered that one.  On “Black Friday” I got a bill from the LA Coroner’s office for $372 for transporting Ryan from the hospital to the Coroner’s office.  Ryan would record songs and store them in an online account, which Misty and I can access.  Today I got an e-mail that said “Hear Ryan Rorie’s latest music.”  I was at school, on my plan period,  when it popped up on my phone.  I just sat at my desk and cried.

My friends, who have lost children or are grief counselors, will say that I am in the anger phase now.  There are a lot of things that I don’t like to see.  Those Facebook shares, “share if you have son that you love” and that stuff.  I realize that people can’t walk on eggshells around me and I try to just scroll by quickly.  I get irritated when people complain about trivial things.  I don’t spend much time reading posts anymore.  I check Misty’s page and that’s about it most days.  

I don’t like going shopping anymore.  I run into people who want to talk to me about “it” or they don’t know and “stick their feet in their mouths.”  I have openly cried in stores.  I’ve run out of stores, leaving my cart behind and cried in the safety of my car.  Once I forgot my purse in the cart and one of my students brought it to my car.   I just can’t do it anymore.  And there are those that Misty calls the “Looky Loos” who just want to see my reaction.  They haven’t seen or talked to me in years and yet they stop in Wal-Mart to chat!!!  Now my shopping is in the early morning hours and online. 

Ryan’s high school class of ’94 held their class reunion a few weeks ago.  They were so kind to let Misty and me be a part of it.  It was both good and painful, as it was for the parents of 3 other classmates.  I saw pictures of him that I had never seen and was touched by the memorial video. 

Now the time has come to set the record straight on some things that have been extremely hurtful to our family.  There have been rumors that have gotten back to Misty and me as to Ryan’s cause of death.  We have remained silent on this, not because we are hiding anything, but because we loved him and have respect for him and his memory.  But…as the rumor mill continues to crank out incorrect theories, I will discuss it.    Ryan had suffered from acid reflux and irritable bowel syndrome since he was a child.  This was an embarrassing topic for him so we didn’t discuss it outside our home. As he got older, he suffered greatly from stomach problems and had developed ulcers. He was always on the run and didn’t eat properly.  He was a Starbucks fanatic and drank a lot of strong coffee.   That day, he had gotten sick, I don’t know why – maybe just a bug, and began vomiting.  His heaving caused a couple of ulcerated areas to bleed and he began to hemorrhage.  He was home alone and waited too long to call for help.  By the time that EMS arrived he was bleeding profusely and was too weak for the doctors to try to do surgery.  They later went in and tried to cauterize the ulcerated places but his blood pressure dropped too low.  Ryan bled to death.  It is hard enough to suffer loss then have to hear the horrible things that people say.  Shame on those who have spread rumors and mis-information.

Now on to positive things.  Kitchen 24 in West Hollywood recently donated money in Ryan’s name to the Angel Food Project and their management and staff helped to cook and serve 1000 meals to those in need.  This touched my heart.  Ryan was concerned about the homeless in LA, especially the kids.  He would show me where they slept and where they could go for a meal.  He would tell me stories about  some of the people that he saw on a regular basis.  He couldn’t imagine anyone living that way.  It is Misty’s and my goal to raise money to help out youth in need.  We are writing people asking for funds to help us start a foundation in Ryan’s name to do this.  We’ve enlisted the help of one of Ryan’s good friends from Little Rock to “get the ball rolling.”  He has given us a lot of good advice.  His scholarship fund is already set up.  I kept all the donated money for that and will continue to raise funds to keep it going.  Misty and I want to make sure that good things can come from our loss.  Ryan was a good hearted, kind person who had so much to offer society and we want to share that with others and that through this foundation many will be helped.  This will be a legacy that would make him proud.