Meltdown

This is a blog that may never be read.  I won’t be sharing the link on Facebook so unless someone who follows me on here opens it, it will never see the light of day.  “Why am I writing it?”  I need to let out some emotion and that, for me, means writing.

Today I attended a funeral.  It was for a lady that I have known all my life and attended church with all my life as well.  She was also a family friend and grandmother to one of my dearest friends. Not to be disrespectful, but, this blog isn’t about her.  It’s about the emotions that hit me at the funeral.  I grew up attending the First Christian Church of  Flippin; was baptized there, married there, and raised my children in that Church.  My children were also baptized there.  It is what I consider to be my home church. 

When Ryan passed away I chose to have his funeral at the funeral home chapel. It was easier for everyone and we hadn’t attended church at the First Christian in many years.  The kids got out of school and moved away and I also moved away.  I knew today going inside that church would be hard, but nothing prepared me for the emotions that I felt and quite frankly – I lost it.  As I looked at the stage all I could see were my kids up there singing, or acting in a play, me scolding them for “runnin’ in the church house.”  I tried to slow down my breathing, I looked at the cross above the baptistery,  and the pictures of Jesus on the walls.  Nothing helped.  Silent tears streamed down my face.  Once the service was over, I walked outside and some of the “little church ladies” tried to hug and console me.  It only made it worse.  This was the worst public meltdown I’ve experienced.  Mom and I had to leave and I felt terrible about my breakdown.

Some of my family and friends think I need to be medicated.  I just can’t bring myself to do that yet.  I want so much to be strong and do this on my own terms.  I don’t know if I’m grieving worse than others – I don’t have a ruler to measure it with.  I just can’t imagine anyone not feeling this awful pain that I feel if they’ve lost a child.  People will tell me that I need to be strong and move forward – quite frankly – I want to slap those that say that to me.  I want to yell at them and tell them if they had buried their child, they wouldn’t be in any better shape than me.

Back to my story.  After I dropped Mom off and began the hour’s drive home, I cried and cried.  I was barely able to drive.  I decided that I was losing my mind.  I prayed.  I talked to Ryan and I just talked to the air.  I have no idea when it will get easier or if I’m going to stay sane of mind until it does.  And I wasn’t just crying about what happened at the church.  There are those that have treated me badly.   There’s a family member, by marriage, who has yet to say one word to me about Ryan’s death.  Not a word!  Then another family member by marriage who sent me an ugly text message because their feelings were hurt about something else.  Something that I had absolutely nothing to do with.  And even if I had, it was wrong on so many levels to send me that message.  I guess I was crying about that too.

Next week is Christmas and dear Lord I don’t know how I will get through it.  I will do my best for Misty and her kids but it is going to be hard.  Every day when I pray I ask God to let me feel Ryan’s spirit and I hope that he will allow that over the next few days.  I need to feel him around me.  Someone close to Ryan visited a medium and she found some peace.  I wasn’t raised to believe in those things but at this point in time, I’m willing to try it, if I thought it would ease some of this pain.  Is that crazy or is it on the same level as taking medication?  I don’t know. 

If you’re reading this, please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I need them.