I didn’t write a
“four month” blog on the anniversary of Ryan’s death. A new year had begun and I felt uncertain as
to what to do. The holidays were much
different for us. A part of our joy was
missing. Misty and I tried to make it
“normal” for the kids. She and her
family put up a Ryan Memory tree. We all
contributed ornaments that reminded us of him. Lily and Reid made ornaments - there
were a lot of foxes. Lily’s birthday is
in November and she used some of her birthday money to buy two small resin
foxes. She placed them under Ryan’s tree
to “stand guard over it.” We tried to
stay busy. We drove around looking at
Christmas lights, watched movies and tried to keep our minds busy. It wasn’t the same. The lights didn’t seem as bright, the movies
weren’t as funny, and the traditional food didn’t taste as good. We have decided that next year we will
completely change our holiday routine – maybe go to a ski lodge. It’s not that we didn’t wish everyone else a
joyous holiday; it’s just hard to be happy for others when you’re missing
someone so badly.
I joined
Compassionate Friends which is an organization that supports families who have
lost a child. They have weekly meetings
in Mountain Home, AR. I
haven’t attended any of the meetings but I read their literature daily and I go
to the website for support when I can’t go any farther alone. I have found other moms who hurt the same
way that I do and understand my pain. I
have found that they are quick to tell me that I’m not losing my mind when I
come home and find the milk in the pantry and cereal in the refrigerator. I have found myself spending twice as much
time grocery shopping only to come home with practically nothing to cook. I have forgotten to make lesson plans, copy
worksheets and tests, but I am assured that I’m not losing my mind and things
will become less foggy in time.
I have returned to
daily journaling to alleviate some of the stress that comes from grief, anger
and bitterness. I have also begun a yoga
practice. There are days that I can’t
calm down and performing the yoga poses and breathing seems to help. Ryan took a yoga class and he would encourage
me to, but little did I know that someday I would be doing yoga to help ease the
pain of losing him.
Misty and I are
both actively working on our book. I’m much slower at writing than she is. I only have about 18 pages done and I think
she has around 30. So many buried
memories have surfaced as I write. Ryan
was such a smart and funny kid and I have so many cute stories that I am
telling in the book. There are sad and
angry stories too. As Ryan got older our
lives began to change. Ryan experienced bullying and hatred – something that
wasn’t allowed in our home. I can’t use
names of those that I refer to as the “Meanie Boys” and Ryan called them the
“Undesirables.” I was worried about this
part of the book but as someone said to me, “If someone reads this and sees
them self in this story, they deserve to feel guilty.” When Ryan was in high school he considered
becoming a lawyer. When he would come
home upset and hurt from being bullied I would jokingly tell him that someday
when he was governor he wouldn’t have grant the “Meanie Boys” pardons. We would get a laugh out of that. I have been going through Ryan’s “tubs” a
little at a time. I recently went
through one from his 9th grade year and found a book that he had
written and submitted to a national contest.
He hadn’t placed in the competition but the book is a treasure. I plan to scan it and use it as part of our
book. Some will get a kick out of it,
some will not.
Besides the book, there
are still many things to do on my “clipboard.”
The scholarship form is ready but the webpage is not. We have been approached about a documentary
but Misty and I have mixed feelings there.
We will only agree to it if we have control over what is in it. We are still trying to start a foundation –
that is taking some time. When Ryan died
he was working on a stage show but wasn’t quite finished with it. He had shared his idea with someone in LA and
they are following through with it. They
have contacted me to let me know when it will be performed and have invited me
to come. Misty is apprehensive about
this. She is afraid that certain people
that we don’t care for will profit from this.
All the profits are supposed to be donated to the homeless youth shelter
in LA. I hope we are not disappointed.
And speaking of…the
horrible people who stole Ryan’s things and spread nasty stories about Misty
and me are still alive and well. We try
to avoid “friends of friends” on social media and tell people not to tell us
things - that we just don’t want to hear about them. They will bring about their own downfall
someday.
One thing that
Misty and I have become aware of throughout all this is that while we selfishly
claimed Ryan as only ours, he belonged to a lot of other people. We have begun to realize how many friends and
business acquaintances that he had. They
all “lay claim” to him and sometimes that’s a good thing but other times it has
angered us. We are still trying to
figure out how to make peace with that. He had his life in LA and his family life with
us. It’s hard to meld them together and
sometimes I wonder if we even have to.
But I suppose when
all is said and done, Ryan made a huge impact on a lot of people. He was creative, smart and funny and those
attributes helped him get to know a lot of people and he enjoyed interacting and
collaborating with them. Hopefully those
people will help to keep his memory alive and help us to achieve positive
things in his name.
